Poking the Bear: My Years at the Way of Yah Synagogue

Warning: I will be candid more than usual in this particular post. This stems from years of things that went down in that place that I've held in. To mince words for this wouldn't do it justice.

In some situations, particularly when you fall out with people, they tend to be on some one-sided bullshit. They will tell everything you did or allegedly did, and make you look as if you're the worst person ever, but they won't tell the whole story. Which brings me to the "poking the bear" analogy.

Let's say you have a bear who is being criticized and vilified by others for mauling people. I mean, just taking their heads off. They're calling it "mean," this, that and the third. What they don't tell you is why that was. They fail to mention their (constantly) provoking or "poking" the bear.

It's minding its own business, resting or doing whatever it's doing, not bothering anyone. Then you have some dickheads who, usually because they can, starts fucking with it for no reason other than the aforementioned. They throw rocks and pebbles, poking it with sticks, throwing buckets of water on it.

For a long time, the bear let this goofy shit slide, until one day it became fed up and started thrashing mo'fos, now it's the fucking villain. This is where I will correlate the analogy with a real life situation. I was a part of The Way of Yah Synagogue for seven years, and when a certain situation took place, I never had an opportunity to tell my side of the story, so I will do that here.

I was in a situation where people would come at me with a bunch of fuck shit, and for years, the past five years in particular, I would let it slide, pay it no mind, laugh it off. Let it slide, pay it no mind, laugh it off. This is one of the areas where I'll admit that I fucked up. I was too yielding, too respectful, too humble-- which I intend to touch on in a later blog--there were times  I was on that go along to get along shit.

I'll tell you, that bullshit never works. Apparently, regardless of how they come at you, regardless of what they do, they somehow have the luxury of blaming you. Everybody wins but you, and it goes back to that one-sided bullshit-- and there are many variations of it that I won't discuss here-- that I referred to earlier.

What I realized was their pastor Henry "Tony" Smith was the ringleader in all of this. For years I dealt with sadistic, petty, child-like shit tests, dumb ass, lame ass, repetitive jokes, and the shit wasn't funny. If he was going to constantly clown me about something at least be funny. The slander, constantly being put down, overkill of criticism, taking things I say, putting his own spin on it, project or insinuate something other than what I was actually saying, dragging the shit on and on for years like a messy bitch!

In reference to what I mentioned a few paragraphs above, the more I let the bullshit slide, the worse it became. People mistook my patience for weakness and took me for a pushover. Apparently, when they were doing what they were doing, not only was it okay, it was justified. I'm being told that I need to "relax," I'm this, that and the third. Typically, whenever I had an issue with someone, regardless of what they did or how they came at me, it was (somehow) always my fault, I was the one being criticized.

If I initiated something and they dished it back out and I had an issue with it, I wholeheartedly agree that would be hypocritical. They were coming at me with the bullshit and nothing was being said to those motherfuckers but something was always being said to me.

I was beyond frustrated and infuriated with the way things were being done. The final straw was this thing of apparently wanting to dictate how they addressed me. As petty or minor as this may seem to some people-- which is fine, people are entitled to their opinion-- for me, it was a matter of respect or the lack thereof.

If someone is telling me how they prefer to be addressed, I would respect their mind. I'm not going to criticize and villainize them over it. Then I thought, maybe I am making too of a big deal out of it. There were bigger issues than that. Again, I fucked up. Never again. It was a strong reminder of meaning what you say and saying what you mean. If people have a problem with it, that's their fucking problem. Believe or not, we had a whole meeting about this. It's my fucking name, why the fuck were we even having that discussion?!

I mentioned it to someone about how I was addressed, and a stuttering Memphis cunt acted as if I committed some "cardinal sin" and decided to report me. That was another thing, it got to the point where everything I did or said, some fuck nigger (male or female) was going tell on me. Now I know what Leah Remini felt like, as she talked about this during her years serving in a religion in her book, Troublemaker.

Long story short, I addressed it publicly and you would've thought I shot somebody. I didn't say any names or give any affiliations. I'm being told what I should've done, which in principle I agree, but seeing that I would've been blamed anyway, why the fuck say anything? It would've fell on deaf ears, followed by booty ass jokes. If one tells someone how they prefer to be addressed and you continue to address them they way you want to, it shows a lack of respect for that person. Albeit, low-key, but that's what it is.

It's amazing because for years, all of the goofy, sucker shit they were doing, all of the shots that were taken at me, the one time I get fed up and swung back, I have to hear all this shit about what I should've done and what's not going to be tolerated. Funny, where was this when they were doing the shit they were doing? I guess I was supposed to sit there and "tolerate" their bullshit, which again was part of where I fucked up because I tolerated it for too long. What I did was called "messy junk," but that bullshit they were doing wasn't? Yeah, okay.

Of course, they took a screenshot of my post for others to see. No surprise there, their "leader," Henry-- he wouldn't show me respect and address me the way I asked, so why I should show him any respect-- would go out of his way to put me on blast. He misspelled my last name, which I thought was funny later. I thought: Damn, if you're going to out me like that, at least spell my name correctly. They can take a screenshot of my middle finger while they're at it.

I know most of them wouldn't understand, and they would probably view this as a cop-out, which doesn't matter to me at this point, but as a writer, we tend to use our materials as outlets to express ourselves, and I don't apologize for that. As far as the person I aimed that "poem" at, I still think he's a brown nosing bitch.

Quick side note: Their "leader" would sometimes do what most would call "prophecy" about someone among them being the one to betray the fold and have him done in. The way the brown noser tattletales, it wouldn't surprise me if it's him.

Anyway, the only reason I apologized was because at that particular time, I was still under the impression that not having a watchman for my soul, being "disconnected" from the "body" put my chances of entering into the Kingdom in serious jeopardy, so at that time I was holding on to the hope of possibly returning. Then it dawned on me that the same person who was supposed to be my leader, guide and "watchman" for my soul was the main one who showed me no respect and did some of the most sadistic, grimy shit.

It dawned on me, they were fucking with me; I did nothing to them, so what the fuck did I apologize for? That's a rhetorical question; I answered that three paragraphs ago. As a matter of fact, as of right now, I take back that apology.

Anyway, I came to my senses and realized, why would I want to sit under the leadership of someone who clearly doesn't respect me? He would go out of his way to put me down, take punk ass cheap shots, criticize, then antagonize me. To give an analogy of the last thing I mentioned, it was like someone with a knee injury going to the doctor and he diagnoses specifically what the issue is with the knee, then turns around and kicks the person in the very same knee. That's the type of stupid shit he would do. In some cases, this bullshit was chalked up to "laughing and having fun."

Not excusing the other dickheads, but they would watch him and follow suit. It's never okay to be disrespected, to accept disrespect or to be disrespectful, I don't care who they are. No one has the right to disrespect you!

That reminds of the Sodomite that's in there. Well, I don't know if he's still there, but he was before I was removed. I was trying really hard not to mention names, but I will pinpoint this bastard. One night after a service, apparently some of my chest hairs was showing from the top of my dress shirt. This faggot, Daniel Anderson, noticed it, walks upon me and unbottons the top of my shirt, talking about, "Let it all hang out."

This another example of what I mean when I say the disrespect and disregard people have for certain people in there is unreal. Knowing him, he probably called himself clowning around, but as a man, certain things shouldn't cross your mind to say or do to another man, joking or not. I don't think he would do that gay ass shit to any other man in there, but saw fit to do that to me.

This was one of those defining moments for me. Although I don't always think this is the case, some people are just assholes, but I will say usually there's something about someone that gives people a preconceived notion that they can come at them a certain way, and I seem to give some people that impression. That something about me will correct that problem. Never again. I'm going to get my respect, one way or another.

Long story short, I'll admit, I got him back on my terms. I knew had I said something, it would've been the same song about me being "uptight," "sensitive," and all that other bullshit. I was already fed up with the bullshit pattern of being called out, criticized and blamed for their bullshit, for shit that they were doing, and that would've been my breaking point had I heard that, so I decided to take matter into my own hands. It caught me off guard; I wasn't expecting a so-called straight man to do some gay ass shit like that. My only regret was that I didn't deck his ass the moment he did it.

Then Henry accused me of only speaking to one person, which was a fucking lie. This shows how a lot of negroes will leave you hanging: there were people sitting in that meeting that knew god damn well that shit he said wasn't true, and sat their "black" asses up there and went right along with it. Well, aside from one person who raised his hand when I was asked who else do I speak to.

No, I wasn't in everybody's face-- and I didn't have to be-- because I didn't like how some of them operated. However, I still spoke to them-- albeit it was small talk. I attended this congregation for seven years, 100-something people passing through there, and I'm going to speak to one person and one person only? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!

There were several people I spoke to on a consistent basis. It's funny because when I was actively reaching out to people via calling or text, people were barely responding or I got put on blast for "calling too much," when I decided to curtail it, now I only speak to one person. You see how negroes will try to flip shit on you?

Granted, the one person this negro was referring to was one of the few who showed me respect, and treated me like a person, not a fucking court jester or as if I was less than him, so in a way, I had every right to speak to only him if I wanted to, but that wasn't the case.

The lie--which he told more than once--along with some of the grimy, sadistic shit he did, is what made me gradually look at him differently and question the validity of his claim that he's sent of the Most High. Actually, I gradually started to look at him differently in 2015, which I'll go into more detail in another post, but that stronghold (i.e. the impression I mentioned earlier) was still there, so my mindset was to hang in there despite the bullshit.

Well, I'll give a preview of what made me start to view him differently that particular year. This cunt got mad and hurled ad hominem attacks and pathetic attempts of shaming language-- like a typical negro when you refuse someone they try to "hook you up" with-- because I wouldn't take some fat, ugly bitch who makes Lizzo look like Jessica Alba.

This punk bitch got mad at me when I didn't ask to be fixed with her to begin with. That was his bright ass idea; he took it upon himself to call himself picking her for me, so who's fault is that? I know this would be denied, but I guarantee had I allowed him and/or them to pressure or shame me into taking her, it wouldn't have been none of that bullshit.

He trashed my looks every chance he got, which I think a man who judges another man's looks in the same manner as women is highly suspect to me. He could've called me whatever he wanted to, that bullshit wasn't happening. Oh, and by the way Henry, you'll eat a chair before I get an attractive woman? Get the seasoning salt, motherfucker! You don't know me as well as you think you do. You don't know who I can or can't pull. You made the same mistake other fuckers make, look at me and assume stuff.

I haven't watched another livestream or sermon since. Well, actually, when I gradually started to see who he really was, I started to tune him out little-by-little shortly before I was removed. This man is supposed to be sent by the Most High and to be the arrogant, sadistic, narcissistic prick that he is made it hard for me to take him seriously anymore. "Ra'ah." Negro, please. More like Ra'asshole. I don't hate him--who am I kidding? I can't stand that motherfucker. I don't want to see his fucking face. I've been skeptical of most pastors for a long time, but after that experience, my skepticism has seriously increased.

He projected a lot as well. He would call people out for being quick to anger when he was quick-tempered. He would call people out for being messy when he was biggest instigator in the place. I remember once he mentioned how people would tell him he has a chip on his shoulder, and he would reply that he has a whole tree, yet, if he thought someone else had a chip on their shoulder, he would criticize them. Not only is that projecting, but it is quite hypocritical.

He would ask inappropriate questions-- well, to me they were. I find it quite weird and questionable for a man to ask another man what size breasts he prefers on a woman. Now, some men might read this and find this to be normal, but I would find that normal if a woman asks me that. From a man? That's fucking sick! He kept asking me that one time, and I'm looking at him thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with this nigger?" A part of it was-- true to his sadistic, antagonistic nature-- him trying to get on my nerves and push my buttons, but I still found it to be inappropriate and sick.

He would use the book (or Bible) to justify his actions and to low-key bully people. He could talk greasy to you, but if you say something to him, now you're "going against the man of the Most High," or he would go on this goofy street bravado, yet, would get on members if they did or said something that resembled street life.

Also, I will mention that he did provide help when I asked for it-- which I tried to keep to a minimum because I don't like asking people for help-- only to low-key throw it in my face later, so how good was that help? Stuff like that is one of the main reasons why I don't like asking people for help, that and if I can take care of something myself, I will.

I will say this experience taught me some things about myself and gave me some strong reminders. One of the things I've learned was I'd rather be respected than liked/loved. People can like or love you and still not have any respect for you. There's nothing wrong with being liked and/or loved, as a matter of fact, to have all three is a plus, but specifically, of these three, I'd rather be respected.

I got strong reminders to be mindful of what I tolerate, how I treat people and being careful of whom you stick your neck out for. People who I thought were my friends-- as a matter of fact, we were supposed to be a family, closer than a family-- did me some of the most shady shit ever. Negroes will greet you, shake your hand, call you "brother" or "ahky," only to be lying in wait to blindside you.

Yes, like any other family, there will be misunderstanding and disagreements, but according to the concept of how we were supposed to operate and treat each other, there was supposed to be a difference, and for the most part, they were no different than people on the outside. I lost the desire to (possibly) return. Not saying that I would've allowed to come back, I'm saying that I discarded the thought of even asking about it. It's too one-sided and two-faced in that place.

Apparently, you're supposed to bend over and let them kick you in the ass and be glad about them doing it, otherwise, it's a problem. Well, I have a serious problem with that, and I'm going to get my respect, one way or another. That would've been my attitude if I was allowed to return, and it's my mindset moving forward.

Another issue I think they had with me was my personality, although I don't think they would admit it. They reminded of a certain sector of negroes who push you away because in their petty minds, you don't add up to a certain code of "blackness" because you don't talk or act a certain way.

People say, "If I think something is funny, I'm gonna laugh," or "Anybody can get it." Fair enough. However, likewise, to the first point, if I don't think something is funny, I'm not going to laugh. To the second, it's amazing how people say "anybody can get it" until the joke is on them.

If you don't laugh at the repetitive, lame jokes, you hear something silly such as: "I like to laugh and have fun; I'm not uptight." So, a person is "uptight" because they don't find the booty ass jokes funny? Ain't that some shit? People want you to respect and accept them for who they are but in the same breath, want you to change. Not change for the better, but more to their liking, and I refuse to do that. I've had it with people who are on that bullshit. That's selfish, condescending and disrespectful to the other person.

As far as their "leader" goes, he has said before in sermons how he loves control and has described his personality as "domineering," so again I put some fault on myself for apparently overlooking it. I can be a good lieutenant; I can follow instructions and take correction, but when someone is controlling and/or verbally abusive and disrespectful, I have a serious problem with that.

The irony of it is he did some of the very same things to his people that he rant and raved about whitey doing, such as the narcissistic traits and the assassinating one's character, particularly when you don't want to comply with his program (e.g. laugh at his corny jokes) or if he disagrees with you. Unfortunately, I've noticed this with a lot of negroes, but that's a subject for another blog.

To be fair, there are some things I've learned from him, some things he said/taught that still resonates with me, but one of the greatest things I've learned from him-- and I learned this the hard way-- is the detriment of showing someone too much respect, and by that I mean showing someone respect who doesn't respect you. Financially, it was a complete waste of time. The money I spent on tithing, plane flights and bus rides to go out there, I could've invested elsewhere.

As I told him in one of my final messages to him, I understood his decision to remove me. I'm not going to tolerate someone disrespecting me and trying to control me. I didn't see it that way when it first happened, but thinking back, this thing of treating people any kind of way, addressing me the way he wanted to address me...yeah, it was best that we parted ways. The more I think about it, the more I'm glad he decided to remove me. It was best that I went on about my business, I'll just say that. I was tired of the disrespect; the constant mockery, sneak dissing and I was tired of their "leader" making everything my fault-- regardless of how someone came at me, I was called out and criticized.

The last question he asked me was if I can't along with people, how am I going to make it? As always, putting the fault on me. Well, if getting along with people means I have to accept them treating me any kind of way, I guess I won't be getting along many, will I? It amazes me how people want all of this respect, yet disrespect others.

I actually predicted this would happen. Despite the "perfection" doctrine that was and probably still is being taught, there were people doing the very things that went against what Henry taught (e.g. lying, fornicating-- his sons being some of the culprits of the latter) and not a damn thing happened to most of them. A verbal correction or a temporary removal from some auxiliary at best. However, I remember thinking, with all of this and how they were coming at me, the moment I decide to clap back, I'll be out of there in a flash, and I was correct. Once again, the more I think about it, the more I'm glad to be out of there.

In retrospect, I should've left in 2013. When his daughter became of age she got the fuck out of there, and I should've done the same thing. After that experience, I see why some people don't fool with religion at all or lose faith and walk away from the whole thing. I never thought in a million years I'd say this, but I'd rather be a Buddhist than step foot in that shit hole again. There were a few people who left or was removed who said they will never step foot in another religious organization again after that experience. Honestly, I'm done with religion myself. My soul feels so much better since I came out of that bullshit!

Update (7/8/21): I found out recently that two members passed away since my removal. I'm not sure when it happened because it wasn't said, at least I don't recall it being said, but I will say that I think they're better off where they are versus continuing to waste their lives in that shit hole. Also, I will include other posts in the links below that I've written concerning situations I dealt with at the TWOY because all of this will be included in the book.

Dirty Dog: A Bitch Named Lynita Newson

"You'll Find Out!" A Tales from the Darkside Correaltion

Preaching to the Choir Series:

Part One: The Cause of Their Arrogance

Part Two: The Biggest Sorcerers Ever?

Part Three: The Preacher's Parrots

Part Four: The Yes-Men

To Elijah: You Didn't Dodge a Bullet, You Dodged a Missile

You Didn't Dodge a Bullet, You Dodged a Missile, Part Two

Rashida Hodge: A Pterodactyl